Sick, sick, sick....in Spring!

I never get sick (touch wood). Seriously, I left my recent place of work with over 60 sick leave days accrued. So why is it as soon as I no longer have to report to work I come down with some awful bug. A bug that has left me coughing and now cold like for over 10 days! Yes I probably should have gone to the doctor, I did try and make an appointment on Friday and they were SHUT!

Sleep deprived, lacking in energy, fuzzy headed, short tempered I find my self on auto pilot as I plod through the days.

As the days have grown warmer this week and the flowers blooming I am striving to get out and enjoy my time outside the offce enviroment. I am longing to feel like myself again - full of energy and enthusiasm.

On my to do list this afternoon is to put together some wholesome nutritious meals for the week ahead. Fresh vegetables and grains hopefully will cleanse my body and mind and help me to start the week with renewed optimism and vigour!

So what now....

Now the dust has settled on my tumultuous couple of weeks I am left wondering what next.

My dad starts chemo in hospital this week - mum will be looking after him and because his immune system will be shot none of us will we won't see him for the next little bit.

I have updated my resume. Registered with some recruitment agencies. Applied for a couple of jobs. Started networking and getting the word out that I am looking for work.

Now what?

I have gone from having very little free time to all of a sudden having time. I seem to get less done the more time I have. One of my friends suggested I put together a weekly schedule to make sure I get things done and create a new routine for myself. Probably a good idea.

I find myself in the strange limbo land. Waiting for my dad to get better. Constantly watching my bank balance to make sure I don't run out money. Searching for a fabulous part time job. Applying for that fabulous part time job. Waiting to hear if I get the fabulous part time job.

I don't do waiting and uncertainty very well. I will meditate more and try and relax and go with the flow.....

Jobless.....

To complete an already trying week I was made redundant. After 7 .5 years with the one employer I was shocked, saddened, embarrassed, angry, disappointed, resentful, agitated and totally totally surprised at their decision.

After 7.5 years with the one employer I walked out the door half an hour after being told and will not return. After 7.5 years with the one employer I will not have a farewell or the chance to say good bye to the colleagues with who I have worked and shared life experiences with. After 7.5 years of working I suddenly don't have to get up and go to the office in the morning.

So as I grieve the loss of my job I am trying to decide if this the end of something good or the start of something great.

Jobless at 37. Time to re-invent myself and make the most of this forced change.

Waiting...

I found out last week that my Dad may have cancer again. His MRI test results didn’t look good and we had to wait the entire weekend before he could see his specialist today. Today he was told that he will have to have further tests done on Wednesday. Another two days of waiting.

A couple of things that I have noticed over the last few days are:

1. How debilitating fear of the unknown is. Today I was unable to focus on anything. I literally was in limbo until I heard what the Dr said. As the appointment time arrived and went I found myself pacing around my house and then minutes later climbing my fence to cut a large branch off my neighbour’s tree that blocks my sun, (work that one out?) I needed to hear the information I was dreading yet at the same time yearning to hear!

2. The wonderful and abundant support from my new network of school friends. I received hugs, emails, texts and many offers of help. It warmed my heart and made me feel good in what has been a terrible couple of days. It surprised and humbled me. I am so pleased to be apart of such a loving and supportive school community.

Another two days. Waiting.....

Ho hummmmmm......

Ho hum….

I have been feeling really flat the last few days. Lucy has a bad night time cough and I am averaging around 4 hours sleep a night. She is fine during the day and is as perky as normal! I am not sure how kids do this. They have the ability to feel “great” no matter how little quality sleep they get (well mine does anyway). Currently as I sit at work (obviously not doing any) she is at home dressed ready for school outside (it’s 7.30am and 12 degrees) on the play equipment. Rearing to go!

I am sitting at my computer in the office waiting for my motivation and energy to kick in!

After feeling so energized to go back to study and find work that I am passionate about I feel stuck already. With worries about redundancies at work and my father having another health scare I am now questioning my decision to go back to study. If I did go back and undertake a counseling course – would I really be able to find a part time job that could support my daughter and I?

I know money doesn’t necessarily make you “happy”, but so much of my life is dominated by it! I am typically one of those people who work to live. I don’t have any huge career aspirations, I don’t feel driven to do anything in particular and I desperately do not want to return to full time work. I could quite happily not work and fill my days with lovely creative, active and charitable activities. Well this is not going to happen and I need to stop fantasizing about it!

So I will work through these doldrums and embrace the sun, fragrance of spring and get organized and energised! I need to to surround myself by supportive and creative people. I will help my friends and enjoy coffees and chats. I will accept that I must work and not judge or compare what I do to other people. I will cuddle Lucy and be grateful that she is so full of energy and the bright spark of my life and maybe I should embrace and try the suggestions in The Happiness Institute’s Monday blog;

“Maybe happiness and success comes down to what we do every 15 minutes! Maybe happiness and success comes down to what we do in each and every moment rather than across a whole day or week or year! Achieving happiness almost certainly comes down to practising a few simple disciplines each and every minute so determine what actions you need to take to find more happiness and focus on doing them as often as you can in every 15 minute period throughout the day!”

Happiness Institute Monday Aug 18 2009

Voices in my head.....

Is it just me or does everyone have constant inner chatter going on in their minds?

I try and practice meditation when I know I am more likely to experience inner talk. For me it is when I am driving, doing housework and cleaning the dishes.

It might sound strange that I say over and over in my head the word “driving” as I am actually driving but it does work in quietening my mind. Dishwashing is a perfect time to practice mindful meditation – concentrating and focussing purely on what I am doing.

Until I started meditation classes earlier this year I had no idea just how much my mind was overworking! Rethinking conversations I had earlier in the day, thinking about what I need to talk to someone about, criticising myself for having the extra serving at lunch, mentally putting together meals for the week, organising to do lists......it is constant!

The worse kind of self chatter is negative self talk. I’ve recently read a lot about the impact negative self talk has on us, in particular on our behaviours. One article suggested recognising when the chat starts, acknowledging it and then focussing on something else or actively turning the negative self chat into a positive thought.

I have a lot of negative self talk going on in my mind and reducing this is my new challenge, and I am going to be positive about my ability to quieten the voices.

Positivity & Change

I loved this exercise from Kate at Spiritual Business.

Sourced from the Spiritual Business website:
Daily Ritual: 5 August 2009
27 things about you

Write a list of 27 things you would like to change in your life and what you would like to replace them with.

Stress- Peace
Disappointment- Hope
Scarcity- Abundance and so on.

This way you are moving 27 things inside yourself and by the end of the list you will be vibrating at a higher level. Open to possibilities and open to change.


I loved the idea of taking something I perceived as a negative and thinking about how it could become a positive. The glass is half full rather than half empty view on the world really uplifts me and allows me to see what is possible.

Too often I think, we are bombarded by friends, peers, colleagues and the media with negative and depressing information. Drama, bitchiness, crisis and tragedies or near tragedies are part of our daily environment. Too often the good and inspirational stories just don't make it into our conversations or news!

By openly thinking about the things I would like to change about myself gives me a good starting point for that change.

Here are some of my 27 things that I would like to change about me and what I would like to replace them with:

No time - more time to enjoy life
Stress - calm
Clutter - organisation
Frustration - acceptance
Tiredness - endless energy and vitality
Migraine - overall wellness
Sweet tooth - balance and moderation
Sensitive - strength
Emotional - perspective

Noise - serenity